i would wait a lifetime for you
by Becks Rylynn
Summary: AU, Futurefic: 'You knew what you were leaving behind when you walked out that door, Dean.' After four years away, Dean Winchester is returning home to the woman he left behind, the family he walked away from and the life he destroyed.


_AN: So, in honor of the SPN season finale tomorrow night, I am posting part one of a twoshot angsty futurefic that I have been working on for a couple weeks. It was supposed to be a oneshot, but turned into a very long piece that I got excited to post so...now it is a twoshot. I am incredibly proud of this story because it is so different from what I usually write and...it kind of strikes a personal nerve with me so writing actually helped me out a lot with my own issues._

* * *

**Title:**_ i would wait a lifetime for you__  
_**Summary:** AU, Futurefic: ''You knew what you were leaving behind when you walked out that door, Dean.'' After four years away, Dean Winchester is returning home to the woman he left behind, the family he walked away from and the life he destroyed.  
**Characters:** Dean Winchester, Ruby.  
**Pairing:** I hesitate to call this an actual Dean/Ruby because as of right now, I'm not sure if they're going to have any sort of real romance. However, it does have allusions to past Dean/Ruby.  
**Genre:** Angst/Family  
**Rating:** T for language and themes.  
**Timeline:** Sometime in the future. I'd say...roughly around five to six years in the future. But it is pretty much AU.  
**Spoilers:** None really.  
**Warnings:** Talk of past alcoholism, strong language and I'm not sure yet but there could be sex later on in part two.  
**Notes:** Story title and chapter titles from the song _Center of Attention_ by Jackson Waters. I also want to mention that I am borrowing an OC from the 'Silver Ring' Series. Joey Daniels. He was basically a father figure for Ruby. The reason for that was this was going to be a 'Silver Ring' Series fic, but in the end I chose to make it a standalone fic, but kept the element of Joey. So, I suppose this could be seen as somewhat of a 'Silver Ring' Series spin off of some sort. But you don't have to read the 'SRS' to understand this.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything. I do not own Supernatural and I also do not own Sylvia Plath's poem _Mad Girl's Love Song._

* * *

**i would wait a lifetime for you**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_''i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;  
i lift my lids and all is born again.  
(i think i made you up inside my head.)_

_the stars go waltzing out in blue and red,  
and arbitrary blackness gallops in:  
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead_

**-sylvia plath; **_**mad girl's love song**_

* * *

**Part One:  
**_''I'll take my time if you want to''_

* * *

She was going to save the world once upon a time. She was the demon with a difference, the one who wanted to save the world instead of burning it down to ashes. She had plans. She had made rules for herself. She was going to stand beside the Winchester brothers and face the apocalypse. She was going to be a hero, a fighter, a warrior. She drank like a fish, swore like a sailor, slept around as much as Dean and fit in so well with those Winchester boys it was almost as if she had been there the whole time. She wore tight clothes and designer boots and there was never a strand of her blond hair out of place. It was what worked for her. What she liked.

She was bad and she liked being bad.

Because she was Ruby, damn it, and she wasn't just another pretty face. She wasn't just another girl next door who could do no wrong. She did a lot of wrongs and she never cared. That was her life. That was the way she lived and she wasn't going to change it.

Of course, that was all before she got pregnant.

Becoming a mother was never _ever_ part of her plan. But since when does life ever go according to plan?

To say things are different now would be one massive understatement. Nowadays the only way she gets even remotely close to saving the world is when she manages to separate her five year old twins before they kill each other. Nowadays, she's lucky if she manages to stick to her plans for grocery shopping, the only apocalypse she sees is on television, the only alcohol she comes into contact with is what she serves at the bar, she manages (somehow) to keep the swearing to a bare minimum, especially when she's in front of the boys, and if a man looks her way, she's lucky if she has the time to smile back at him. Not to mention her tight (and sometimes quite revealing) clothes have been replaced by a wardrobe of jeans and t-shirts that are mostly stained because her boys are big fans of the food fight, the only 'designer' label she ever sees usually has something to do with Hot Wheels and her hair is almost always falling out of a sloppy ponytail.

And....you would think she would be extremely unhappy. Unsatisfied. She is, after all, _Ruby_ and Ruby doesn't generally do domestic. And yeah, she won't lie; she has her moments of restlessness. It's easy to become frazzled. Truth is, there are days when she'll wish she had run with _him_ all those years ago. But then one of her boys will beam at her because she's just saved a spider from being washed down the drain or she's made them their favourite apple pie for dessert and she'll wonder what she ever did without them.

That's not to say it isn't hard being a single mother of two incredibly _spirited_ five year olds. It is. She's done a lot of things in her life. She's been through a lot. But raising two boys on her own is most definitely the hardest.

But she's still _here._

And that is more than she can say for their father.

* * *

''Mom!'' The voice is small but mighty, the child's frustration showing clearly in the tone of his little voice. ''Mom, Liam stole my glasses and he won't give them back!''

Ruby sighs heavily, shoving her son's Batman lunch box into his backpack before rushing out into the living room to break up the fight that has inevitably begun. Liam and Aiden are good boys, she knows that, and usually they're the best of friends. But they're also brothers and that means they have their fair share of fights that make their poor mother want to pull her hair out. It certainly doesn't help that their personalities are eerily reminiscent of a certain set of brothers she used to know. ''Liam!''

Her oldest (oldest by five and a half minutes that is) is holding a pair of glasses in his hand, waving them in the air like a trophy while his brother leaps around, desperately grabbing for the eyewear. Her voice stops them both instantly and the smirk that is much too like his father's fades from Liam's face as he gulps audibly. ''Oh....Hi, Mom.''

''What have I told you about stealing your brother's glasses?''

''Um....don't?''

''Right,'' Ruby snatches the glasses from his hand and he shrinks under her gaze. ''And why is that?''

''Because it's not cool.''

''And yet you continue to do it.''

Liam fixes his eyes on the floor, scuffing at the carpet with his shoe. It's almost amazing how he can go from picking on his brother to staring at his feet in shame in a matter of seconds. ''I'm sorry.''

''Don't apologize to me,'' she says, carefully placing the glasses back over Aiden's eyes and ruffling his blond hair. ''Apologize to your brother.''

Liam heaves a heavy sigh like she is asking him to do the hardest thing in the entire world, but turns to Aiden anyway, mumbling out a, ''Sorry, Aiden.''

Aiden rolls his eyes and Ruby distinctly hears him mutter, ''No, you're not'' under his breath, but he still shrugs it off with a ''Whatever.''

It's easy to blame Liam's attitude on his father and most of Aiden's personality has to come from his uncle (because where else would it come from?) but....they both have their moments (whether it's Liam wrinkling his nose and scowling or Aiden's indignant huffs) when they're all her. She still hasn't figured out if that's a good thing or a bad thing. ''Can you two go eat your breakfast please?'' She has mastered, over the years, the art of keeping her cool. ''You two can't be late for school again. I'm not forging a doctor's note,'' she pauses. ''Again.''

''It's not oatmeal, is it?'' Liam inquires, with the aforementioned wrinkled nose and scowl.

''Nope. Cereal.''

''Then okay.'' He's gone before Ruby can remind him to save some for Aiden, racing off in the direction of the kitchen.

But Aiden remains where he's standing, straightening his glasses and actively avoiding her gaze like a pro. She has learned that when he does the shifty-eyed thing there is usually something on his mind. ''Aiden,'' she tilts her head to the side and clasps her hands. ''Is something bothering you?'' She sinks onto the couch, eyes still focused on her son.

He looks up at her with big blue eyes and a very serious frown on his face. ''Mama,'' he begins and she knows it has to be big if he's calling her Mama. He hasn't called her Mama since Liam decided he was too old to call her that anymore and naturally, Aiden followed suit. ''Can I ask you a question?''

''You sound very serious,'' she quips. ''Are you breaking up with me?''

_''Mom.''_

''Sorry. Sure you can ask me a question, baby. Ask away. What's on your mind?''

The boy hops up onto the couch next to his mother, his fingers fumbling for something in his pocket. He finally retrieves a worn looking photograph and hands it to her, pointing out someone in the picture. ''Who's that?''

She swallows hard at the sight of the picture, that dark pool of emotions ranging from anger to sadness rising in her throat.

''Is that....Is that Dad?'' Aiden asks hesitantly.

''Aiden,'' her voice sounds oddly hoarse so she clears her throat, gripping the photo tightly. ''Where did you get this?''

Aiden squirms beside her, looking sheepish and guilty. ''In your top drawer. B-But I wasn't snooping, I swear! Okay, you know how when we have a bad day, you always give us a candy? Well, we know you have a secret stash somewhere and Liam dared me to go into your room to look for it. A-And I found this picture of you and....and him,'' he jabs a finger towards the picture. ''And...And I know I look like you, but....Liam kind of looks like, well, this dude.'' He takes a deep breath and sinks farther into the couch cushions like he wants to disappear. ''Are you mad at me?''

She'd like to be, but her eyes are too focused on the picture for her to feel _anything_ right now. ''No,'' she whispers. ''I'm not mad. I just....'' She sighs and closes her eyes briefly. ''....Aiden....''

He frowns, looking over her shoulder. ''Is that Dad?'' He repeats, voice stronger.

And she can't lie to her son so she nods and shakily places the photograph down on the coffee table. ''Yes.'' She bites down on her lip and chokes back a bitter smirk. ''That's your Dad.'' She shakes her head, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear, bitter memories filling up every corner of her mind. ''In all his drunken glory,'' she mutters under her breath, so quiet Aiden can't hear her.

Aiden's eyes positively light up as he bounces on his knees. ''What was he like? Was he nice?''

''I think you should go eat breakfast, Aiden.''

He frowns at that, obviously wanting to hear more about his father. She can't blame him, really. She would love for them to know about their father, she would love for them to know all about back when he was good. But her fear of the inevitable question, ''Why doesn't he live with us?'' stops her every time because she has this nagging suspicion that the standard ''He loves you boys very much and he's sorry he can't be here'' would fall short. ''But,'' Aiden starts, ''Mama - ''

''Look, Aiden, I really don't want to talk about this right now!'' Her voice comes out louder than she intended and the boy looks both startled and scared. The guilt comes like a swift kick in the gut when she sees the hurt look on her little boy's face and she's reaching for him before he can close himself off like he does. ''Oh, baby, I didn't mean to snap at you. Listen,'' she pulls him onto her lap like he's still two years old and screaming for his mommy because he's had a nightmare. She hands him the picture, licking her lips nervously. ''Honey, your dad....'' And there are a million things she could say here. Except all that she can come up with is, ''....He was a good man.'' _When he wanted to be._ ''And he loved you boys so much. You know,'' her lips tremble, a smile threatening to break out on her face. ''He cried the day you and your brother were born. And for a guy who hated chick flick moments, he sure didn't seem to mind. And....'' She closes her eyes against that growing flood of emotions and runs her fingers through his hair. ''He would sing to you. Do you remember the song I sing to you boys when you're sick?''

''Uh-huh,'' Aiden nods. ''You sing Hey Jude.''

''Well, your dad started that. That's what his mom used to sing to him when he was a little boy and....and some nights it would be the only thing that would be able to get you and your brother to sleep. He loved you, Aiden. He loved you and your brother more than anything else in the world.''

Aiden frowns and plays with the picture. ''Then...where is is?'' He whispers. ''If he loved us, why did he leave?''

There it is. The question that haunts her. The one she had been dreading. ''He left....'' She sighs, gently places Aiden on his feet and turns him around to face her, all the while trying to come up with something acceptable to tell him. ''Aiden,'' she smiles finally, steels herself and lies. ''He left to go save the world.''

Aiden's eyes practically glow with excitement, a wide smile stretching across his lips. ''Really?''

She nods, even though she's not sure. She has no idea if he saved the world. All she knows is that when he left, the world was in need of saving and the world is still here so she's assuming he had something to do with it.

''So...So, he's...he's like a superhero?''

Her smile falters, she glances at the picture Aiden has dropped back on the table and then she shrugs. ''Something like that.''

''That's so cool,'' she breathes.

''You think so?''

''Totally! Wait until I tell Liam!''

She smiles tightly, partly because she's relieved the crisis has been averted and partly because she's upset she has just lied to her son. ''Baby, we should really get you some breakfast, okay?''

He nods excitedly, turning and making a mad dash for the kitchen and she winces when she hears the crash and Liam's shout of, ''Mom! Aiden spilled the milk!''

Her eyes stray to the picture and her eyes darken considerably as she plucks the picture from the table. In all honesty, he left because he wasn't ready to grow up and be a father, because he was messed up and wouldn't let anyone help him and because he loved his alcohol too much to stay. A withering glare comes to rest on her features as she stares at his smiling face. ''This is all your fault, _Dean Winchester_,'' she hisses.

And she feels a little better.

* * *

She is the queen of multi-tasking. Standing in the gloomy, rainy April weather outside the elementary school, she manages to take two backpacks out of the backseat, tug her jacket closer and dial her cell phone all at the same time. While the phone is ringing, she gets the backpacks on the boys backs, tells them to ''give me some sugar before you go'', receives kisses on each cheek, reminds them that Joey will be picking them up from school and then she's watching them race towards the school just as Joey answers with a cheerful, _''Hello?''_

The sound of his voice makes her smile like always and when she catches sight of Aiden sending her one last wave, she smiles and waves back. ''Hey, Joe, it's me.''

_''Well, hello, sweetheart. You get the rugrats off to school?''_

''Yes, and I told them you would be here at three thirty sharp to pick them up after school.''

_''I tell you what. Frankie's supposed to come in this afternoon, so how about I pick them up from school and take them out for a burger?''_

''You're a lifesaver, Joe.''

There's a pause on the other end and she can almost see Joey frowning in worry. _''Is everything okay, sweetheart? You sound a little distracted.''_

Choking down a sigh, she leans against her car and wraps an arm around her middle. ''Aiden found a picture.''

_''....A dirty picture?''_

''Ew, Joey, no. A picture of Dean.''

_''You mean that no good rat bastard deadbeat who - ''_

''Yeah, that's the one. Aiden found a picture of him in my room and then he started asking me all of these questions and....'' She brings a hand up to rub her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. ''I've got a bad feeling, Joe. Like this is only the beginning. The boys are going to want to know who their father is.''

_''If you ask me, he ain't no father,''_ Joey mutters darkly.

''Look, he may have made some bad choices, but he's still their father and they deserve to know about him.'' And she thinks it's odd that she's making excuses for him when she should hate his guts.

_''Fine. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.''_

She's going to answer, but she yawns instead.

_''Did you just yawn?''_

''....No.''

_''You did. Oh, Ruby, how many times have I told you that you need to start developing better sleeping habits. Trying to be Supermom is wearing you out.''_

She scoffs lightly. ''Joey Daniels, I don't _try_ to be Supermom. I _am_ Supermom.''

_''Uh-huh. Well, do me a favor and fly on home to take a nap there, Supermom.''_

''Joey - ''

_''And do not try to argue with me, sweetheart. You have the late shift tonight and if you don't get some rest, you'll fall asleep at the bar. Again.''_

''Okay, that happened once. And I was doing inventory. And the twins both had strep throat.''

_''Just take care of yourself, Ruby. I'm serious. I worry about you. I don't want you burning out.''_

Despite herself, she smiles softly because it really is a nice feeling to have someone care so much about her. The only time Dean ever got close was when she was pregnant. ''Okay,'' she relents. ''I'll go home and take a nap. Happy?''

_''You can't see me, but I'm doing my happy dance right now.''_

''Now there's a disturbing image.''

_''You're hilarious.''_

''I'll see you later, Joe.''

She's just hung up the phone and moved around to the driver's side of her car when she is struck by the oddest feeling. As strange as it may seem, she swears she can feel someone's eyes on her. Frowning, she takes a look around her surroundings but nothing jumps out at her. Nothing raises her hackles or sets off the alarm bells in her head. After a minute, she shrugs it off and climbs into the car.

If she had stayed she would have seen that old familiar black car around the corner.

* * *

Joey is right about her sleeping habits. She does need to develop better ones. It's just that most of her nights consist of putting the boys to bed, cleaning and then falling asleep in front of the television only to wake up in the middle of the night with a sore back and a stiff neck. And when she's not doing that, she's working the late shift at the bar.

....She has no life.

She has Joey and the twins and that is pretty much it. No dates, no friends, no demons to fight. She's got motherhood. That's about it. And she doesn't mind. Really. At least....not most of the time.

Glancing towards the gray skies outside, Ruby resists the very strong urge to roll her eyes and collapses on the couch, rubbing her tired eyes. After a moment of eerie silence, the only sound the sound of the clock ticking, she leans back against the cushions, pulls a blanket over her form, curls her legs under her and flicks on the television. She flips through about a gazillion channels featuring either soap operas or talk shows, pauses on the cooking channel and then decides she loathes daytime television with everything that she has. Clicking the TV off, she taps her fingers on the armrest.

She feels restless. Tired but wide awake. Like something is about to happen. She can sense it, smell it in the air. _Something_ is about to change.

Her eyes fall on the photograph on the table. Her movements still and her breath catches. Before she can stop herself, she's grabbed the picture and for a brief moment, she wonders what happened to that. Then she remembers he was probably drunk when the picture was taken. He was a coward. He _is_ a deadbeat. But....she wonders sometimes. Her fingertips trace his face gently and when she realizes what she's doing, she scowls down at him. ''I should hate you more than I do,'' she whispers hollowly.

After a moment of contemplation, she decides to try. So she rises to her feet, stomps into the kitchen and rips the picture into a million little pieces just like he did with her heart four years ago. Smiling in satisfaction, she deposits the pieces into the trashcan, pushes the loose strands of hair that have fallen out of her ponytail out of her face and goes back to the living room, falling back onto the couch. She spends exactly five minutes chewing on her bottom lip and trying to figure out what to do with herself and then the doorbell rings.

''Thank God,'' she mutters, rising to her feet. She has no idea who is on the other side of the door, but anything is better than sitting around twiddling her thumbs.

She swings open the door with a small smile and it all comes crashing down. The world stops, for just a moment and her knees weaken beneath her. Through a closing throat, her fingers clutching at the door for support, all she manages to get out is a weak sounding whisper of his name.

''Dean.''

* * *

She_ knew _something was going to happen today.

* * *

''Hey, Aiden!''

The boy in question doesn't bother to look up from what he's doing, even when he hears the sound of approaching footsteps.

Liam frowns at his brother, arching an eyebrow. ''Come play catch with me, Aid!''

''Busy. And it's _Aiden._''

Liam shrugs carelessly, flopping down on the seat next to his brother. ''Whatcha doin'?''

Aiden shoots him a look, lips curving downwards into a frown. ''_Your_ homework,'' he mumbles.

There's a brief pause and then Liam stifles a laugh, tossing his football up into the air and catching it. ''Oh yeah.''

Unimpressed, Aiden rolls his eyes, pushes up his glasses and hears a muffled shout of ''four eyes!'' from across the playground that is most likely directed at him. Aiden barely has time to blink before the ball in Liam's hand is sailing through the air and hitting the bully right in the nose. While Liam giggles uncontrollably, Aiden sighs and shakes his head. They last a moment in silence and then it all comes out. ''Li?''

''Yeah?''

''I asked Mom about Dad.''

Eyes widening, Liam whips his head around to face his brother so fast he nearly topples off his seat. ''You....You did?''

''Yeah.''

''What'd she say?''

Aiden grins and flips the notebook shut, meeting his brother's gaze. ''She said he's a_ superhero_.'' He's too excited to notice the way Liam frowns and shakes his head. ''Isn't that cool?'' He grins. ''Dad's a superhero! Liam!'' Upon noticing his brother's careless attitude, Aiden clutches at his brother's jacket. ''Mom said Dad is a superhero! Like Batman!''

Liam scowls. ''Mom lied.''

Aiden's eyes widened like he's just been told the most awful thing in the world. ''Mama - I mean, uh, _Mom_....she doesn't lie, Liam.''

''Superheroes don't leave their kids,'' Liam fires back.

Aiden stares at the ground, looking like Liam has just kicked his puppy. ''She....She said he loves us.''

Liam doesn't answer for a long time, his eyes staring straight ahead. Then he draws his lips into a thin line, narrows his eyes and says with as much conviction as he can muster, ''She lied.''

And Aiden isn't sure what to believe anymore.

''Don't ask about, Dad, Aid,'' Liam advises. '' 'Cause we don't got one.''

Aiden just hopes Liam is wrong.

* * *

He looks different. He's unshaven (more so than before), he looks unbelievably battle worn and there is a scar above his eyebrow that wasn't there before. But he is still _Dean. _He is still the only guy who can make her feel lightheaded and weak in the knees. Still the only man in the world who can break her like no one else can.

After her shocked murmur of his name, he is the first one to speak, with a raspy, gruff and slightly hesitant greeting of, ''Hi, Ruby.''

That's when it hits her. Who he reminds her of. Standing there all unshaven, rough and yet slightly fragile looking....he looks more like his father than ever before. ''Dean,'' she whispers his name again like it's something foreign. ''Oh, god. What are you....What are you....'' Her weak knees give way beneath her and his reflexes are still just as good as they were before because he catches her before she can hit the ground. And she's not sure what it is, but something about his touch brings her back. The shock? Yeah, pretty much all cleared up now. It's being replaced by the most intense anger she has ever felt.

''No.'' She rips herself out of his arms, pushing him away despite the unwelcome shivers that run up and down her body at the contact. ''You can't....You can't be here.'' Even though her limbs feel like jelly, her voice is strong and her glare is murderous, her blue eyes angry and more hurt than she'd like to admit.

''Ruby - ''

''You need to leave.'' She makes a move to shut the door, but he catches it and steps inside without an invitation, sending her stumbling away from him as if she is afraid.

''Ruby - ''

''Stop it!'' Practically trembling at the sight of him, she holds up her hands, shaking her head as she backs away from him. ''Stop saying my name! Just...._stop_.'' Her voice catches in her throat with the last word and she hates herself a little more because of it.

He stops. He stops talking and he stops attempting to move towards her. There is pain burning bright in his eyes and she remembers when she used to care when he was hurting. She remembers when she used to want to fix him. Now all she wants to do is hurt him even more. An awkward silence falls between them as she slowly shuts the front door, remaining turned away from him as she tries to catch her breath. ''You can't take them,'' she breathes out after a moment has gone by. Slowly, she turns back around to face him, swallowing down all those screams and curses bubbling in her throat. ''You can't take them from me,'' she says vehemently. ''I don't care if you're their father or not, you _can't have them_. So if that's why you're here then you can just - ''

''I would _never_ take those kids away from you,'' he says, locking eyes with her.

She looks away. ''Then what do you want, Dean?'' She asks wearily, suddenly feeling unbelievably and unbearably tired. ''Money? A quick fuck perhaps? What the _hell_ are you doing here?''

He doesn't answer for a second, his eyes drift to the floor and she is reminded of how much Liam looks like his father. When he looks back up at her, his eyes are shining brightly with desperation and regret. It's a look she knows all too well. ''I want to come home.''

It takes a moment for those words to get through to her. They sound foreign and incorrect and an ugly rage boils inside of her. The crack echoes throughout the room and her eyes flash between black and blue. He recovers from the slap quickly but still can't manage to look her in the eyes. ''I deserved that.''

That is not all he deserves. She's just getting warmed up. ''You think this is your home?'' She bites out, laughing bitterly. ''This stopped being your home four years ago when you walked out on your children without as much as a fucking goodbye.''

''I left a note.''

''A piece of paper that says 'I'm sorry, but I can't do this' is not a goodbye, Dean. It's a cop out. And you know it.''

Guilt flashes through those green eyes of his that still make her breath catch and she wants so badly to hit him again. ''I made a mistake,'' he whispers and he gives her the opening she needs.

She slaps him again with all she's got and receives a sick sense of satisfaction when his head snaps to the side. ''You're damn fucking right you made a mistake. Now get out of my house.''

''Ruby, _please_ - '' Her plan to slap him for a third time is foiled when he catches her wrist. ''I just want to see my kids.'' She raises the other hand to slap him because _like hell _is she letting him anywhere near _her_ kids, but he catches that wrist too and now they are way too close for her comfort.

''_Your_ kids?'' She sneers. ''That's funny because for the past four years they've been _my_ kids and _my_ kids haven't heard a thing from their _wonderful _dad. Have they?''

He looks hurt, extremely so, as he drops her wrists and steps away from her. If she were a better person she might feel the slightest twinge of remorse. But she's not a better person so she doesn't feel a thing. ''I send them money on their birthday,'' he protests lamely.

''You think that's enough? Where's the card, Dean? Where's the note? Where's the 'Love, Dad'? Don't you think they deserve something to hold onto no matter how small it is? Huh? Don't you think they deserve to know their father loves them? Do you even love them, Dean?''

''Of course I love them,'' he whispers hoarsely. ''They're my sons.''

She swears if he starts crying, she's going to throw him out. ''Yeah, they're the sons you walked away from,'' she retorts.

''I know,'' he mutters, scrubbing a hand over his face. ''I know what I did was wrong, okay?''

''No it's not okay!''

''But I was messed up. I was fucked up and I wasn't ready and....'' He trails off, shoulders slumping as he gives up on trying to make excuses for himself. ''I did what I thought was best for them.''

She silences, closing her eyes and trying to pretend she doesn't feel tears rolling down her cheeks. ''Then you're an idiot.''

''Yeah,'' he chuckles dryly. ''I am.''

She pulls the sleeves of her sweater over her hands, swiping at her eyes before she sinks onto the couch. ''I don't....I don't want an alcoholic around my children, Dean. They don't need - ''

''I don't drink anymore,'' he cuts in, something like hope lighting up the shadows in his broken eyes. ''I'm sober.''

''Yeah? For how long?'' She shakes her head, lifting bloodshot eyes to his. ''If I recall, you said you were going to quit when the twins were born. How long did that last? About a month and a half? Not even? For God's sake, Dean, you showed up to your children's birthday party drunk off your ass so forgive me if I'm not exactly trusting.''

''I haven't had a drink in two and half years.''

She falters because....wow. She hadn't been expecting that. She's not sure what she had been expecting, but that wasn't it. ''R-Really?''

He nods, crossing his arms over his chest like he's uncomfortable. ''I just...I got so tired of losing everyone I loved.''

She swallows hard and rises to her feet. ''I can't do this right now,'' she decides. Because she's about one hundred percent sure she's about to break and she won't give him the satisfaction of witnessing it. ''Are you...'' She clears her throat and can't believe she's about to ask this question. ''Are you going to be in town long?''

''Actually,'' he smiles nervously. ''I was kind of thinking about staying...for good.''

She blinks.

....Okay. She_ really _needs him to leave now.

In the end, she gets him out the door and almost allows herself to break into pieces, but then she realizes that there is something she needs to do. She can't leave it like this. ''Dean!'' She throws open the door and races out into the cold weather, drops of rain landing on her skin. ''Dean, wait!'' When he turns around, she closes the distance between them and throws everything she has into punching him. While he crashes to the ground, she turns and walks away like nothing happened, leaving him groaning on the ground and one of her neighbors gaping.

Of course once she gets back inside, she leans heavily against the door, sinks to the ground and falls apart.

* * *

She goes to Joey (naturally) and after she manages to convince him (somehow) that shooting Dean is not the answer, he lets her vent all her troubles to him just like always. Only it doesn't make her feel better this time.

''After he left,'' she sighs and drops her head into her hands. ''I used to think....'' She looks up at Joey with glistening eyes, feeling lost and confused. ''....If he could just _grow up_, if he could just stop drinking, if he could just let me in....then....maybe he would....maybe he would come back to us.''

''That sounds natural, sweetheart,'' Joey says softly, placing a glass of water in front of her and patting her hand sympathetically.

''Yeah.'' A bitter smile plays across her lips as she looks down into the water. ''I just never really thought about what would happen if he did.''

* * *

The thing is.....

....They were never really _good_ together. Sure, they had the chemistry; they had the heat, the fire, the _passion_. Except that was _all_ they had. At least, all they had in the beginning. It was the one thing they did right. They weren't even exclusive when she got pregnant. They both loved sex too much to tie themselves down to one person. And they tried when she got pregnant. They tried because they wanted their kids to have a better life. One with _two _stable parents. Not just a better life. A _normal _life. They made it official, cut all other partners out of their lives and started sharing more than a bed every once and awhile.

He was there for everything. The morning sickness that lasted all nine months, the cravings, the doctor's appointments, when she was put on bed rest at the end of the pregnancy, in the delivery room when she was cursing him and threatening to castrate him. It was probably the best part of their relationship and definitely the only time he was responsible enough. But see, they were both scared shitless when she was pregnant. Frightened, afraid, terrified, alarmed, downright fucking petrified. In reality, it was probably why things were okay between them during her pregnancy. They were pretty much on the same page. And....

....Somewhere along the way, she fell in love with him.

But after the twins were born....well, things changed. They tried their best (at least she knows she did) to make it work, but they couldn't. The stress of having not one but two newborns got to them, he started drinking again, they were fighting about everything from money to what to dress the boys in, to hunting and soon enough they both realized that giving their kids a life with happy and in love parents was just not an option for them. She loved him, but she couldn't be with someone who loved alcohol more than her.

They split up _for_ the boys and there is no doubt in her mind that if she had never gotten pregnant, they would still be in a twisted, fucked up, unstable semi-relationship because before the boys, they were both majorly co-dependant, fucked up and self-destructive and they would have fallen into their version of 'love' and would have been in 'love' until it killed them both. The only difference between them is that when she became a parent, she grew up. He didn't.

He turned into his father and split (read: ran like a scared little boy) a few weeks after the twins disastrous first birthday.

And now here they are. He's back and he's _different_ and she....has no fucking clue what to do.

**end part one**

* * *

_i dreamed that you bewitched me into bed  
and sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.  
(i think i made you up inside my head.)_

_god topples from the sky, hell fires fade:  
exit seraphim and satan's men:  
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead_

**-sylvia plath; _mad girl's love song_**

* * *

**AN: Yep, so there's part one. As of right now, I'm really not sure if D/R are going to be end game. They might be. They might not be. I really have no idea. They might be broken beyond repair.**


End file.
